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Meditations on the Abyss
Tonight, I think I've come closer to killing myself than any other time. It's not that I've thought about it more or harder. But the idea seemed more real. I could actually imagine myself doing it. Tearing myself open with a steak knife and taking a nice hot shower. I'm just so tired of trying to figure out what's wrong with me and not getting anywhere. I'm so sick of all the garbage I fill my life with - toys and games and books and school, and none of it giving me anything I want.
And then I think of the mess I'd be leaving for my friends. Trying to get through finals with this hanging over their head, or having to skip finals to be at my funeral. Leaving my roommate out on what's left of the rent, leaving my parents to pay off two college debts that led nowhere. It was my mother who first told me that I lived for my friends. She has no idea how true that is. If there were only something I could do to disappear and make all your lives easier, I'd do it in an instant.
This morning's dream was some CGI island paradise out of Kingdom Hearts. Something kept pulling me toward the ocean but when I got to the edge, it was gone. We caught a giant nasty sea turtle, but no matter how hard we stabbed, we couldn't kill it. That's one thing that always terrified me. That I'd try to kill myself and fail.
And then I think of the mess I'd be leaving for my friends. Trying to get through finals with this hanging over their head, or having to skip finals to be at my funeral. Leaving my roommate out on what's left of the rent, leaving my parents to pay off two college debts that led nowhere. It was my mother who first told me that I lived for my friends. She has no idea how true that is. If there were only something I could do to disappear and make all your lives easier, I'd do it in an instant.
This morning's dream was some CGI island paradise out of Kingdom Hearts. Something kept pulling me toward the ocean but when I got to the edge, it was gone. We caught a giant nasty sea turtle, but no matter how hard we stabbed, we couldn't kill it. That's one thing that always terrified me. That I'd try to kill myself and fail.
no subject
I was 17. For reasons that would take too long to explain, I'd run away from home, and I was sitting on the front steps of the local public library at 8 in the morning with nowhere to run, thinking of colorful ways to do myself in. Just in case this wasn't really what I wanted, I decided to go inside and call up a suicide hotline... see if there was someone out there who could tell me why, exactly, I should be alive. Called Information, scared the fuck out of the morning operators, eventually got connected to the New York suicide hotline. A burst of static later, I hear:
"You have reached the New York City Suicide Hotline. We are not available to take calls between tha hours of..."
Click.
That's when I decided that no universe this stupid was going to get me to do its dirty work.
Fuck suicide. Don't give up the fight.
You need help, there's help. I'm here if you need to talk, and I'm not the only one. No one gets through this alone.