Meditations on the Abyss

[etherial]

Tonight, I think I've come closer to killing myself than any other time. It's not that I've thought about it more or harder. But the idea seemed more real. I could actually imagine myself doing it. Tearing myself open with a steak knife and taking a nice hot shower. I'm just so tired of trying to figure out what's wrong with me and not getting anywhere. I'm so sick of all the garbage I fill my life with - toys and games and books and school, and none of it giving me anything I want.

And then I think of the mess I'd be leaving for my friends. Trying to get through finals with this hanging over their head, or having to skip finals to be at my funeral. Leaving my roommate out on what's left of the rent, leaving my parents to pay off two college debts that led nowhere. It was my mother who first told me that I lived for my friends. She has no idea how true that is. If there were only something I could do to disappear and make all your lives easier, I'd do it in an instant.

This morning's dream was some CGI island paradise out of Kingdom Hearts. Something kept pulling me toward the ocean but when I got to the edge, it was gone. We caught a giant nasty sea turtle, but no matter how hard we stabbed, we couldn't kill it. That's one thing that always terrified me. That I'd try to kill myself and fail.

Comments

[solipsistnation.livejournal.com]

Yeah, don't do this. You will fuck up your friends for a VERY long time.

Maybe talk to people? Figure out what you want? If you know what you DON'T want, then stop doing it! If you can't help it, or it's situational, avoid that situation as much as possible. Whatever it takes.

People can change. It's not easy, but you can.

[rigel.livejournal.com]

I have to ask this; it's part of my mindset, at this point . . .

I know you can imagine killing yourself vibrantly, but has there been any planning as to how you might do it?

I know you haven't thought about it more or harder, but even as ideas like that become more real, people sometimes start planning such things out. And if that's the case, as your friend I'd really like to know.

*hug* If you want to talk, I'm here.

[heronsilvr.livejournal.com]

Hrmm... I'm really worried about you, hearing all this. I know I don't personally know you well, but that's not important, I know you well enough, and know you are important to many people (perhaps more than you know).

To me the important thing is that you seem to have reasons to live, things to keep you from taking your own live. I don't care what they are, whether it's a feeling of guilt or responsibility to others, that's what's important. I've been where you are now... Fortunately (and this may seem ironic) I personally felt like I wasn't even worth the effort of doing myself in (may sound pathetic, but I can thank my super-low self-esteem for something after all!).

Listen, none of us have the answers for you. What you need to know is that they are out there for you. Your path is waiting for you... In fact you are on it now and will be a stronger person for working through the dark times. I wish I could say something to make it suck less or make you feel better. Best I can do is to remind you that people (even people who don't know you terribly well) DO care about ya'.

I can sympathize with what you are going though. Over the last few years found myself in a position where I just couldn't put my finger on what it was that I was missing in my life. I've been fumbling blindly to find that something that I know I'm missing. It sucks big-time. I've tried adding things to my life, searching for what I need to fulfill myself without success. I think I've finally started to figure it out (at least partially) but it's taken time and was in the places I least wanted to look.

Try to remember in some part of your head, even when you're feeling at your worst, that you are worth fighting for. Others think so, and it's not because of some mysterious, nebulous reason, it's because they know you and think you are a cool person who adds value to the world around you.

Take care of yourself, and if you want to, email me (heron @ chimeron.net) and I'll give you my cell number in case you ever need to talk to someone. I'll make time if you need it.

Safe journeys

[macdawgversion2.livejournal.com]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Dude... I may not know you very well, but what I do know is that you are one hell of a nice/cool guy. Hell, I've been down this same road of suicidal thoughts before for one reason or another. Hell, I've been there a few times. But, like you, it all revolved around self fulfillment... a feeling of wanting something unattainable by "shiny bits" and stuff.

A little while ago, I had a bit of a revelation. The revelation essentially taught me that happiness is not going to fall in my lap and plant itself there for eternity.
You have to find happiness in its most raw form. Whether it be time spent with friends, time to yourself while you think, or just pouring over a good book. With that small bit of happiness, you can work it and shape it into something more. You have to learn to cherish these small moments, because there may not be as many in the future.

Being lost and being confused about what the future may hold happens a lot, but to some people, like you, it is more troubling. I was a complete fuck-up in school. I attended Salem State for a year, and passed with flying colors (which after my childhood of high honors and such, was expected). Of course, I never attended class, and just showed up for tests and such.
But then I went to WPI and realized "Oh shit. I have to make like I know this stuff." But, instead, it was a long semester of drugs and booze that was the beginning of what I thought was the end. After failing out and becoming a waste, these thoughts were soon in my head every waking moment.

But, many things would delay these thoughts. Relationships, lucky breaks, etc. could temporaily stave off these feelings, but when something didn't work, I would always revert back to the "just kill me" feeling.

Most of that all changed after having cancer... when the whole 50/50 life & death thing became a reality... and it really scares you back into the whole "I want to accomplish happiness in my life." Granted, it was a long road to recovery, and even after I was cleared and ready to go, it took more self-loathing and depression to finally make me realize that this was no way to make any progress in my pursuit of happiness.

Well, let me sum up... as this was a wordy rant.
Summary: Chin up little buckaroo. I'm sure your friends and family love you dearly, and you have to realize that it is these things that should be cherished most in life. You have to envision a fruitful future, but not expect it to be given to you, nor for yourself to find it right away.
Life is a quest that must be undertaken with great patience and optimism.

You're a good kid Gregg. We have faith in you.

[oldest-song.livejournal.com]

Lemme tell you a story.

I was 17. For reasons that would take too long to explain, I'd run away from home, and I was sitting on the front steps of the local public library at 8 in the morning with nowhere to run, thinking of colorful ways to do myself in. Just in case this wasn't really what I wanted, I decided to go inside and call up a suicide hotline... see if there was someone out there who could tell me why, exactly, I should be alive. Called Information, scared the fuck out of the morning operators, eventually got connected to the New York suicide hotline. A burst of static later, I hear:
"You have reached the New York City Suicide Hotline. We are not available to take calls between tha hours of..."
Click.
That's when I decided that no universe this stupid was going to get me to do its dirty work.

Fuck suicide. Don't give up the fight.
You need help, there's help. I'm here if you need to talk, and I'm not the only one. No one gets through this alone.