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Meditations on the Abyss
Dec. 10th, 2002 09:52 pmTonight, I think I've come closer to killing myself than any other time. It's not that I've thought about it more or harder. But the idea seemed more real. I could actually imagine myself doing it. Tearing myself open with a steak knife and taking a nice hot shower. I'm just so tired of trying to figure out what's wrong with me and not getting anywhere. I'm so sick of all the garbage I fill my life with - toys and games and books and school, and none of it giving me anything I want.
And then I think of the mess I'd be leaving for my friends. Trying to get through finals with this hanging over their head, or having to skip finals to be at my funeral. Leaving my roommate out on what's left of the rent, leaving my parents to pay off two college debts that led nowhere. It was my mother who first told me that I lived for my friends. She has no idea how true that is. If there were only something I could do to disappear and make all your lives easier, I'd do it in an instant.
This morning's dream was some CGI island paradise out of Kingdom Hearts. Something kept pulling me toward the ocean but when I got to the edge, it was gone. We caught a giant nasty sea turtle, but no matter how hard we stabbed, we couldn't kill it. That's one thing that always terrified me. That I'd try to kill myself and fail.
And then I think of the mess I'd be leaving for my friends. Trying to get through finals with this hanging over their head, or having to skip finals to be at my funeral. Leaving my roommate out on what's left of the rent, leaving my parents to pay off two college debts that led nowhere. It was my mother who first told me that I lived for my friends. She has no idea how true that is. If there were only something I could do to disappear and make all your lives easier, I'd do it in an instant.
This morning's dream was some CGI island paradise out of Kingdom Hearts. Something kept pulling me toward the ocean but when I got to the edge, it was gone. We caught a giant nasty sea turtle, but no matter how hard we stabbed, we couldn't kill it. That's one thing that always terrified me. That I'd try to kill myself and fail.