I'm not going to trust my kids to have more willpower than either of their parents did
See, it's not about Willpower. It's about Responsibility. It's about knowing and recognizing the probable consequences, and accepting the possible ones. It's about understanding the difference between what you want and what you can handle. The most important thing about "The Sex Talk" (between partners) is that it happens at least 24 hours before sex is actually pursued. All parties need to be able to walk away from the conversation and sleep on it.
Abstinence would be preferable
The most important thing about "The Sex Talk" (from authority figures) is that it happens early and often. They need to know that you will suborn your preferences to their ability to take responsibility for their own actions. Abstinence-only fails because the parents and teachers responsible ultimately reject their duty to advise.
When you're talking abstinence, especially with the person you are sure you're going to marry, it's pretty much all willpower, IMHO; hormones don't understand "responsibility", and if you're not PLANNING to have sex, it can sneak up on you. If I had had the willpower to say "no" to my own urges to have sex with my first "serious" boyfriend, I probably would have broken up with him a lot sooner, and not felt like I needed to marry him because it would be the "right thing to do" (misplaced feelings of responsibility).
But yeah, I feel like "abstinence-preferable" education is much better than "abstinence-only" - for exactly this reason. If any of the adults I respected had talked to me about sex, it would have almost certainly changed the course of my first few years in college. As it was, that ended up being my time to make big mistakes and gain a lot of maturity. I look at my young married or about-to-be-married Christian friends, and I urge them to think of the same issues that were shoved in my face via pre-marital sex and my parents' divorce; I try to tell them how to step away from the hormones and fuzzy feelings and really look at the long-term consequences of one's actions.
Oh, and again, I give my own parents the benefit of the doubt - I was such a responsible kid, I'm sure they thought such things would never happen to me. Unfortunately, because I had been SO responsible, I'd never had a serious relationship before I had one completely away from adult supervision/advice. Being a kid is a time to make mistakes... and learning how to admit them and ask for help. I don't think I really learned most of that until I didn't have my parents to turn to anymore.
Willpower can fail you. Willpower will fail you. It's a wall; once you find yourself on the other side, it's just as hard to cross. misplaced feelings of responsibility - forcing yourself to justify and continue your actions is Willpower, not Responsibility. Responsibility is resilient; it always snaps back. Responsibility is acknowledging that mistake and dealing with it. Raising your child to make no mistakes is an exercise in failure. Raising them to handle their mistakes is the goal.
I've been in a number of situations where I could have snapped my fingers and got exactly what I wanted at a terrible price. If I relied on Willpower alone, I'd've snapped by now. But knowing the consequences of my actions, knowing that I will wake up in the morning and force myself to pay the price, that's what keeps me on course.
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no subject
See, it's not about Willpower. It's about Responsibility. It's about knowing and recognizing the probable consequences, and accepting the possible ones. It's about understanding the difference between what you want and what you can handle. The most important thing about "The Sex Talk" (between partners) is that it happens at least 24 hours before sex is actually pursued. All parties need to be able to walk away from the conversation and sleep on it.
Abstinence would be preferable
The most important thing about "The Sex Talk" (from authority figures) is that it happens early and often. They need to know that you will suborn your preferences to their ability to take responsibility for their own actions. Abstinence-only fails because the parents and teachers responsible ultimately reject their duty to advise.
no subject
But yeah, I feel like "abstinence-preferable" education is much better than "abstinence-only" - for exactly this reason. If any of the adults I respected had talked to me about sex, it would have almost certainly changed the course of my first few years in college. As it was, that ended up being my time to make big mistakes and gain a lot of maturity. I look at my young married or about-to-be-married Christian friends, and I urge them to think of the same issues that were shoved in my face via pre-marital sex and my parents' divorce; I try to tell them how to step away from the hormones and fuzzy feelings and really look at the long-term consequences of one's actions.
Oh, and again, I give my own parents the benefit of the doubt - I was such a responsible kid, I'm sure they thought such things would never happen to me. Unfortunately, because I had been SO responsible, I'd never had a serious relationship before I had one completely away from adult supervision/advice. Being a kid is a time to make mistakes... and learning how to admit them and ask for help. I don't think I really learned most of that until I didn't have my parents to turn to anymore.
see, that's the problem
I've been in a number of situations where I could have snapped my fingers and got exactly what I wanted at a terrible price. If I relied on Willpower alone, I'd've snapped by now. But knowing the consequences of my actions, knowing that I will wake up in the morning and force myself to pay the price, that's what keeps me on course.